Today I’m a week off achieving 90 days of sobriety, but it feels like I’m not going to make it. The cravings have been less constant on the whole, but in the past few days they’ve returned with a vengeance.
I fell asleep last night wanting a drink. I woke up this morning wanting a drink. And right now I want a drink.
The thing is, sobriety doesn’t feel good. That’s mainly because it is too full of feeling. Yes, drinking has a cumulative mood depressing effect that keeps me stagnant in a dark and miserable place. On the other hand, I am used to that place. That place is sad, lonely and empty. It’s hopeless and lost. But it is also kind of blunt.
It feels like sobriety has all these sharp edges, and I miss the dullness drinking brought. The turn of phrase, ‘taking the edge off’ comes to mind, because that’s literally what I’m craving. I know that even a small drink would soften that sharpness and calm down all the chaos inside.
I also know that it wouldn’t just be one drink, and I’m trying to use the tools from AA. Reminding myself that ‘there is no problem a drink can’t make bigger’ and all those other catchy mottos 12 step programmes love to throw around. But that’s hard when I know that in the short term a drink would bring relief.
Here’s a song I’m listening to a lot at the moment. It perfectly describes how it feels to be addicted; to want out but keep going back to the thing that we know harms us.
I really identify with some of the lyrics, like ‘nursing on a poison that never stung’, and ‘I’m somewhere outside my life, I keep scratching but somehow I can’t get in’. I get the impression that Hozier knows this struggle.