83 Days in and I’d rather not be sober

Today I’m a week off achieving 90 days of sobriety, but it feels like I’m not going to make it. The cravings have been less constant on the whole, but in the past few days they’ve returned with a vengeance.

I fell asleep last night wanting a drink. I woke up this morning wanting a drink. And right now I want a drink.

The thing is, sobriety doesn’t feel good. That’s mainly because it is too full of feeling. Yes, drinking has a cumulative mood depressing effect that keeps me stagnant in a dark and miserable place. On the other hand, I am used to that place. That place is sad, lonely and empty. It’s hopeless and lost. But it is also kind of blunt.

It feels like sobriety has all these sharp edges, and I miss the dullness drinking brought. The turn of phrase, ‘taking the edge off’ comes to mind, because that’s literally what I’m craving. I know that even a small drink would soften that sharpness and calm down all the chaos inside.

I also know that it wouldn’t just be one drink, and I’m trying to use the tools from AA. Reminding myself that ‘there is no problem a drink can’t make bigger’ and all those other catchy mottos 12 step programmes love to throw around. But that’s hard when I know that in the short term a drink would bring relief.

Here’s a song I’m listening to a lot at the moment. It perfectly describes how it feels to be addicted; to want out but keep going back to the thing that we know harms us.

I really identify with some of the lyrics, like ‘nursing on a poison that never stung’, and ‘I’m somewhere outside my life, I keep scratching but somehow I can’t get in’. I get the impression that Hozier knows this struggle.

 

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19 Comments Add yours

  1. papertwists says:

    I hope you can be strong 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’ve got this. It’s hard but you are awesome and can get through xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. debyblogs says:

    Stay strong. You are almost there. The harder it get’s the greater the victory you will feel. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hear it does get easier. My sobriety stints usually last around 80 days and then I go backwards. Yes, numbing the feeling does help BUT The problems are still there when it all wears off. Going through life sucks initially. Dealing with emotions, feelings, and life overall is much harder when you have to do it head on. Stay strong and keep moving forward because going backwards never feels good. Ever. Well, maybe for a few hours and then it all begins again. Starting over sucks, big time. You’ve got this! Stay strong and keep blogging. Sending virtual hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura says:

      Thank you for the encouragement and the hugs. 80 days seems to be a bit of a sticking point for me too. Looking back at old posts, I seem to always struggle around this length of time sober. Maybe this time will be different.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. suzannesmom says:

    The darkest hour is just before dawn.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Stay strong, it’s tough but you can be tougher. I’m almost at 2 years and I have bad days where I get cravings but they are less.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura says:

      I am full of admiration that you’ve almost done two years. That is a massive achievement.

      Like

  7. La Quemada says:

    I don’t know if this resonates with you–it’s not the same thing, I know. I’ll share anyway, and please shrug off if it seems like an inappropriate comparison.

    I haven’t harmed myself since last April. Various times (as recently as this week) I have wanted to. Sometimes it is just a thought. Sometimes it’s a longing. More than once, I have gotten up from my chair and started toward doing it. But I stopped each time. It was never because I have to hit X number of days/weeks/months or because I think it’s morally wrong or because I’m sure I’ve given it up forever (maybe, maybe not). Every time I just decided that maybe I would do it, if I absolutely had to, but first I would do all the other things I’ve learned to do: write in my journal, take a walk, reach out to someone (including my therapist if needed), distract myself in some way… anyway, you get the idea. You have to have your own list, of course. Anyway, for some reason it seems easier to me if I don’t think about it as “not self-harming.” That seems too absolute and too difficult. It works better for me to just say “not right now.”

    I don’t know, maybe you read that and say DUH, no shit. Same as “one day at a time,” I guess, with just a little twist.

    At any rate, I am rooting for you, and also feeling for you, knowing it is really hard to accept all those intense emotions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura says:

      Wow Q I am so impressed you’ve not harmed yourself in so long. To me, it really is the same kind of thing. Self harming is as addictive as any substance for me. I’ve also found that delaying is the best way to control it. Telling myself I can do it if I wait, some days I even have to take it 5 mins at a time. Then I’m not denying myself what I want – like you say. It works really well with suicidal thoughts too. I can reassure myself by saying I’ll go to bed and sleep on it and if I still feel the same in the morning I can go ahead and do it then. It’s about having that little bit of space.

      Like

  8. bethanyk says:

    Thinking of you!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura says:

      Thank you Bethany.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. bethanyk says:

        You’ve accomplished sooo much!!!! I cant imagine the struggle but wow to come so far is so admirable/ just sending hope to you

        Liked by 1 person

  9. fishwhofly says:

    hey, it has been about a month since your post, the one i just read…
    it was explained to me that living, drunk or sober is an emotional event…
    and it was also pointed out to me that healthier individuals than myself over time learned coping skills, and learned to process emotions. i on the other hand basically learned drinking skills, i learned how to cope with any obstacles that prevented me from getting my next dose of liquid emotion processing solution… liquor.
    it is reasonable that a process involving dropping one coping tool (liquor) and trying to use a seemingly less effective technique (abstinence) would bring me strong discomfort on multiple levels…
    i tend to believe i am loosing, because it FEELS like it, when actually i am gaining…

    allowing others to work with me////working with others who are struggling
    This combination works today for me every time……..when i allow it to happen
    PEACE AND KEEP ON KEEPING ON

    Like

  10. Ruth says:

    One minute at a time. You are doing it! Pulling for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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