It’s not a very complicated story. I went to the pub after therapy on Wednesday afternoon. At the bottom of the second double, I decided I’d kill myself. The decision was impulsive, but the urge had been hanging around for months.
I wanted to go somewhere I wouldn’t be found until it was too late. And to make the process less unpleasant, I added a bottle of Prosecco and a large bar of chocolate to my shopping for pills. I already had about 40mg Lorazepam in my coat pocket, so the extras were just to make sure.
I found a secluded spot in a cemetery. Surrounded by headstones on each side, nobody could see me there as the light faded. It felt like the right place.
I took all the pills. They made me retch, but still I kept swallowing more.
Then I sent messages to my mum, my sister, my wife, and J. Goodbyes to the people who matter most.
My wife got home and got scared when she found I wasn’t there. She kept calling but I wouldn’t pick up. I sent her a few texts and by this time was heavily intoxicated. They probably didn’t make much sense. She called the police when she realised I’d taken the pills. And kept me talking for long enough that I gave her my location and they reached me before I passed out.
I spent the night in hospital being detoxed from the drugs and alcohol. When the psychiatric liaison visited to assess me, his decision was that it was unsafe to discharge me. So I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital from there.
Now I feel encarcerated. This place is awful. It’s cold and heartless and I can’t go outdoors. There is literally nobody to talk to. The other patients are either totally withdrawn, psychotic or aggressive. There are constant verbal fights that trigger my anxiety. I have never hated anywhere so much. I feel so desperately alone. And trapped. The psychiatrist basically told me that although I am not sectioned, they will section me if I try to leave before they think I am fit to.
I feel like a prisoner. I miss my cosy home and my wife and my dog and just being able to wander. This is an absolute fucking nightmare. In fact, all night I kept dreaming of this horrible place and waking to the shock that it was all real. Again and again. Like some sort of mental torture. I kept thinking, when I open my eyes again I will be at home. And every time that didn’t happen I cried myself back to sleep until it happened again.
blackspotsite 
That sounds like a terrible experience. I will never understand why the places that are supposed to help us just end up triggering us. Despite all that, I am glad you are still here. I’m glad you gave your wife your location and are safe. Stay strong. I hope that you will be feeling well and released soon.
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I am glad you told your wife enough for her to find you and help you. I’m sorry where you are is really tough. Sending you support xx
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I’m so sorry that you’re there. I hope you get released really soon, back to your lovely home x
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I am so glad you are ok! I have been checking your blog really worried. The reason I was worried is that unfortunately I know the feeling of wanting to go away way too well. I am glad your wife was able to locate you. Has she come visit you? How long will you be there? What about J? Sending you the best of thoughts and hugs.
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Hugs. I hope you find some stability for now and a more tailored after care plan when the time comes.
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I hope you will keep those visions of home, your wife and your dog firmly in mind for as long as you are in the facility. And that when you ate released, all of those things bring you all the warmth and love and comfort you need. And then…the nightmare will be over.
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I’m glad you are still among the living. I’m sorry about the situation though. Thinking of you and offering support.
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I’m so sorry it got to this point instead of being able to get the support you needed to keep going. I hope your wife can spend time there with you so you are not so lonely. It sounds really counterproductive to put you in a scary, isolating environment. Thinking of you ❤
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((((((Hugs)))))))
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Thank you Serena x
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hugs. I am glad you did not die. really really glad. I am sorry the hospital where you are is not a good one. sending love and support. ❤ xxx
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