Just quit

That’s the loudest voice in my head right now. Throw the towel in. Walk away. End this shit show once and for all.

I am trying hard to repair the rupture with J. I didn’t want to do therapy today, but after a gentle nudge from a friend who suggested I was ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’, I uncancelled my session.

Yesterday seeing J made me feel more angry and more hopeless. I decided I’d probably kill myself when I got home. After all, if even my therapist can’t stand me, what hope do I have? I was pulled back by a friend in crisis reaching out to me for help. And a kind comment from a fellow blogger that made me feel cared for.

It went a little better today, but I still feel like the reality of the relationship is hitting me full force. J is not my family. She isn’t my friend. She cares about me, but she cares about a load of other things a lot more. It’s easy for her to drop me if something more important or interesting comes up.

The juxtaposition of that knowledge with how I feel about her is excruciating. I don’t want to feel like I desperately need someone who doesn’t at all need me. That makes me feel so utterly pathetic and vulnerable. A large part of me would rather just end the relationship than have to confront that.

So I’m sat in the pub with a large Scotch, pointlessly hoping that the solution will be found in the bottom of this glass. Or the next glass. Or maybe the one after that.

But what I really know is that the more I drink, the more that final and permanent solution becomes appealing. And I drink towards that. I drink towards letting go of what holds me back from going through with it. Because I want an end to this. I want relief. 

I am tired of fighting.

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. La Quemada says:

    A glass of Scotch can be a reasonable companion or comfort sometimes, but it won’t tell you the truth. When it whispers promises about a permanent and final solution, it’s telling lies.

    The truth is that you are in a LOT of pain, and it sucks, and it feels unbearable… but it won’t last forever. It won’t, really. When you are in the middle of it, it feels like it will last forever, I know. Really, I do know! But it isn’t true. It won’t last forever. There are better times ahead, times when you will treasure your life again. It doesn’t feel like that to you now, but please take the words of others of us who know what it’s like and can tell you absolutely from experience that it’s worth hanging in there.

    Many, many, many hugs to you. Your life is important.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura says:

      Thank you. I’m in a safe place now

      Liked by 1 person

      1. La Quemada says:

        I’m so relieved!

        Like

  2. easetheride says:

    I’m sorry you’re struggling so deeply.
    I know that pain, and I’ve come through it time and time again. You will come through this too, just as you have before. Know that. Believe it, if you can. There’s so much strength in not acting on it. Recognize your strength as much as you can.

    But I know that doesn’t make it any more tolerable for you right now. All I can say is that I can feel how important J is to you. Complicated feelings aside, you’ve built that relationship with her. The really low, awful thoughts/feelings are the ones telling you it’s not worth sticking it out and trying to repair, but don’t let them fool you! Don’t let those thoughts trick you into forgetting the work you two have done together. Ruptures can be overwhelming and make it seem like all the connection and positive aspects of the therapeutic relationships have vanished, but I have found that those things can be recovered with patience and time.

    But that can wait until you’re ready. In the meantime, just focus on you. On getting through. That’s enough for now. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura says:

      Thank you. I’m safe now

      Like

  3. DV says:

    Please don’t give up. I know you know deep down that however much the problems with J hurt right now, quitting and leaving yourself without any support from her will feel so much worse. Hang in there. It will get better.

    Liked by 1 person

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