I cancelled therapy today. I know that’s not productive and that the only way I’m going to feel better about my relationship with my therapist is to go and discuss it with her. But I don’t want to see her at the moment, I am feeling very hurt and the result is that I want to push her away.
That means I’ve got no therapy at all this week, as I’m going away for a few days tomorrow. I am actually glad to have the break, because I really can’t face talking to J about why I’m so upset with her. And I know it will be useless / impossible to go and see her and not talk about it. Perhaps by next week I’ll feel less emotional about it and more able to engage in an adult conversation about what’s going on.
Tomorrow I’m flying out to Germany to spend some time with my sister and her new baby. J probably would’ve asked how I’m feeling about that. And on the whole I am feeling OK about seeing them. I’m excited about meeting my little niece, who is not even two weeks old. I’ve been talking to them a lot on Skype and she’s absolutely gorgeous. Waiting to cuddle her feels a bit like waiting for Christmas when I was a kid.
That said, I am also feeling emotionally volatile at the moment. It’s like all my existing feelings of rejection, hurt and disappointment have been amplified by what’s happened in my relationship with J. I’m swamped in all this sadness and helplessness. My self-harm has got worse and more impulsive. And I keep crying. Last night I just couldn’t stop. Even when I was on Skype with my sister having a seemingly normal conversation, the tears kept coming.
Along with this, I have a continued feeling of fragility. I am edgy; when I go out of the house, the people and noise around me are abrasive and threatening. Walking around town, I feel jumpy and I get panicked easily. The fear makes me sweat so much, I have to shower and put on fresh clothes when I get home.
I can’t say I feel confident about travelling tomorrow. I am anticipating feeling like a small child navigating buses, trains and airports on her own. I am used to travelling solo, I’ve done plenty of it for work, but not in my current state. I’d be surprised if I don’t have to use some Lorazepam to get myself through it. Although, the benzos make me a bit high, so if I do that, who knows where I’ll end up. Germany is a big place…
Paying attention to these feelings, it’s fairly obvious to me that I’m not going back to work anytime soon. I’m not ready to do that much adulting yet. A few days ago when I imagined myself in the office, my heart started racing and I immediately skipped to thinking about harming myself. I spoke to my GP this morning and he’s signed me off for a few more weeks. That will probably be fine with my employer. According to a colleague who came by my house on Friday, nobody was expecting to see me in the office this side of Christmas anyway. That’s partly a relief and partly quite insulting.
Until Friday, I hadn’t let anyone from work come to see me since being signed off three weeks ago. I feel very self-conscious and ashamed about this all happening again. But this was one of my favourite work friends, and I was missing her. The visit was mostly OK, but afterwards I spiralled into shame attacks. Anxiety meant I couldn’t remember much of what we’d talked about. That amnesia generates the sort of paranoia I used to get when I blacked out from drinking. I felt like I’d talked a load of nonsense at her, made a tit of myself, and that she was probably desperate to leave for the whole time she was here.
But I’ve digressed into talking about work, which really isn’t important to me anymore. Given the choice, I would never go back there. But if I felt as though I really had a choice, I wouldn’t be doing any of this anymore. I am still comforting myself every day with the concept of escape, those morbid plans that I’m supposed to steer myself away from. With everything that’s around for me at the moment, fantasising about an ending is one of the few things that makes me feel better.