I need to pour my heart out here tonight, because I am really scared. As much as I am desperate to deny it, to my wife, my friends, J and myself, I know I am getting sick again.
Things have gone bad. Really bad. I am hardly coping at all. I’m driven towards isolation, hiding, cutting off from everyone. It feels like everything I try to do is going to ultimately fail.
I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know why I am doing any of it. I am lost in a mass of confusion, tied up in thousands of threads that pull me in every direction. This immobility, this indecision, it pushes me closer and closer to the edge.
Those who know better attempt to reassure me; telling me all I have to do is wait it out. I don’t have to act. Feelings can be with me, without a need for me to respond to them. It just takes patience. And faith that something is going to shift.
But sitting still, or ‘sitting with’, is so much easier said than done. And it doesn’t change anything. I observe feeling angry, despairing, hopeless, afraid, and those things remain frozen.
I read about how I should respond to these feelings with kindness, with compassion for myself. But my imagination isn’t powerful enough. I hate those emotions, and they sit at the core of who I am, so I automatically hate myself more, the more I feel them. I simply can’t soothe myself. I want to cut out the feelings. I want to disown whatever part of me they belong to. That might sound cruel, but I’m not sure how else I can survive.
Instead, I hopelessly try to run from myself. With substances that dull the sharp edges. Or distractions that make me numb. Or cutting myself, like the pain of that will somehow release the inner pain. I’ve done it so many times, I should know better by now.
I starve myself, but I can’t explain to anyone why. I just have a vague sense that if I make myself suffer enough, something will be rebalanced. I’ll be forgiven. I will be loved in the way I want to be loved. Of course this is completely irrational. My eating disorder is doing nothing but frightening people who love me and making me feel worse. I’m down to 47kg now and I feel dizzy and tired. I’m getting weak. I know the remedy is right in front of me, but I just don’t want to eat. I don’t want to nourish myself.
I’ve got to make some decisions this week, and it’s time sensitive with the therapy break coming up. J is going on leave for a fortnight at the end of the week, and I need her help to figure out what the hell it is I am supposed to do right now. Or rather, what I can do. What feels manageable.
I should take time off work I know, but I am scared to undo all the work I’ve done repairing my reputation after I was last signed off two years ago. Maybe I should try medication again, but I’ve got no faith in it – and I hate having to interact with doctors, who make me feel so small and pathetic. A friend is pushing me to get a referral to an NHS anorexia clinic, but aside from the supervised mealtimes and full 5 day weeks of therapy, again, I would have to take weeks and weeks out from work. Plus I don’t even know whether my GP would refer me. Or whether I would be able to make myself go there if he did. It sounds awful.
I’m waiting for some answers to materialise, but they’re not coming. I am just so scared all the time now. Scared of my thoughts, scared of what others think of me, scared of exposure, humiliation, scared that I am going to fail to intercept this cycle and end up losing everything, scared of being forced into treatment I don’t want. A few days ago, my night terrors returned after giving me 6 months of respite, so now I am even scared to go to sleep.
Most of all, I am scared of how much power the destructive part of me has right now. I’m scared that dark fantasies are occupying an exponential amount of space in my imagination, and as they pervade, the voice that argues for life and health gets smaller and quieter.
I am frightened and lost. I want to feel safe again and I can’t figure out how, or make myself believe it is even possible. I really don’t know what to do.
blackspotsite 
Laura, Laura, Laura. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this and that you’re in a dark place right now. You will crawl through this. One breath at a time. I have no magic wand for you. But I can send you love, and warmth and caring thoughts to hold you while you cannot hold yourself, to say “I believe in you”, when you cannot believe in yourself.
You’re on the cusp of making the right decision. Stay with it. Take a leap of faith x
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It’s so nice to hear from you Serena and to receive your warm words. Thank you for sending love and hope x
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I am so sorry you are in this much pain right now, Laura. Feeling like you are not enough, and yet at the same time you want to be hide and be less. You are enough, as you are, and nothing you do will change that you are worth having around. I hope you will keep talking here, where there is no need to hide yourself or your thoughts however dark. ❤
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Thanks DV for those kind words. J is on leave now, so I going to make an effort to write and share more here while she’s gone. It means a lot that you are listening. Laura
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It’s a terrible thing be stuck like that. To know all you have to do is take one bite after another, but not have the will or confidence to do it.
People try to make things better, suggest a quick fix. But for me, there wasn’t one single thing that let me start eating again. It was a compilation of things I can’t identify.
I hope you find the things that work for you, find things that ease the pain. I don’t personally know you, but I’m so sorry you’re going through this torture.
Hang in there.
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Thank you for reading, hearing and sharing your thoughts. I’m glad that those things combined in the right way so you could have a better relationship with food.
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Oh no, Laura, I am sorry. I’ve been there, where you can see stability slipping away and inside you scream, “oh shit, not again!!”
The people who love you might not always say what you need to hear, but they love you and will love you even in your pain. Please reach out and let them know what’s happening, This is the time to get all the help you can. You may need people to sit with you, or to set up doctor appointments if you aren’t up to doing that. Maybe someone will help you with distraction besides cutting, like going to the movies or making something that appeals to you to eat or I don’t know what… color in coloring books? Look at beautiful photos on Instagram? Those are things I like when I have very little energy.
I know you and I have complained and compared notes about psych meds before. But if you are feeling this bad, maybe it’s worth another try? For me, I think Wellbutrin sometimes gives me a quick lift, even if it doesn’t last for all that long. Do you know if it works that way for you? A good thing is it doesn’t have as many side effects as many other meds.
I write all these ideas, but I am sure they are not new to you. Really I guess I just feel as though I want to offer you something. I see how you are suffering and would like to make it easier for you. It doesn’t work that way, I know, but still, I’d help if I could. Wishing you some relief!
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It’s good to be reminded of all those things. Especially the part about asking for help. I need to start figuring that one out. I am touched that you want to make this better for me. And your first sentence really resonated, just that sense of panic and sliding – sounds like you very much understand.
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Writing it out is better than keeping it in. I really hope you get the support from those professional services that you need. Thinking of you. x
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