I’m drinking these lines and their heavy meaning
leaning
on my desire to pause
and hold my breath,
because this is my story
in forgotten, dusty fragments
from the pens of those who didn’t know me

How can it be mine?
when stretching through time
the design has dissipated
the truth was desiccated
and only dry shards remain
reluctantly dredged
closer
as I focus on the edge

With each grain rediscovered
every raw secret uncovered
accumulating in my swollen heart
toxic tar
cloying and dragging me far inside
to hide
to ride out this hurricane

I thought you knew me
I thought I could be
something real
something whole
something better
but I am this shattered child
and though I strive
I can’t forget her

I can’t ignore this truth as it appears
sharp and clear
swift
like a clean blade
and in the wake of it I fade her out
My soul needs to scream
and release one terrible cry
to reach the sky, touch the horizon
so every wild ear will listen

But there’s no antidote to this poison
filtering though my veins
compounding pain with pain
shame with shame
And when I finally lie down
I close my distant eyes
and know that I will rise
time and again
to the same
knowing and not showing
fighting and not growing

Observing every moon
always hoping she will soon
offer me some room to
simply be still
and breathe
until the chaos settles
so the past can fade away
and I can grasp the truth of today
close to my heart
and I can start
slowly I can start
again.

Photo: zeevveez, Creative Commons.