I’ve been drinking today. I shouldn’t drink. It isn’t safe. And it doesn’t help. I’ve been to meetings and I know all of this, but still I wanted it.
It was hard not to start this post with an apology. Partly for the drinking, but I’m guessing none of you will be too judgemental about that. You know that I know it’s stupid.
Mainly I want to apologise because it seems as though all I ever write here lately is dark and miserable. It’s like all I can share with you is this endless whining, ranting, nonsense.
And that is not all I have to share. It really isn’t. Believe it or not, I am having some more ‘normal’ days lately. I’m mostly going to work, seeing people, trying really hard to somehow reconnect with life.
I haven’t hospitalised myself since August. That’s pretty good going.
Despite all this, despite what people call ‘progress’, I still feel trapped in my life. I feel frozen, paralysed in this toxic swirl of emotions and memories. I am scared to be in my head.
It’s been a month since I last took antidepressants. I have noticed no significant change in my general mood or suicidal thoughts.
What I’ve noticed is that I am feeling again, and that’s a double edged sword. I can enjoy laughing with friends sometimes, or walking my dog and connecting with nature.
Simultaneously, I’m experiencing emotions that are so powerful I feel like they will kill me. I know part of that is sadness. And I’m pretty sure a large part is rage. It’s all been there for so long, it just seems like right now it all wants to burst out of me. There’s this raw power in my emotions that makes me want to smash things. I want to lash out at every person who has ever harmed me.
I thought I had been to the bottom because in the past I have tasted such dark despair. But this is different. I’m not dead inside. I’m not hollow. I’m not outside of myself.
I am here and I am in so much pain. I can’t believe how much it all hurts.
That’s why I ended up drinking today. I tried cutting myself and felt nothing different. I tried therapy and couldn’t speak. I got home and sat here alone with my wish that there was nobody who cared about me. Sometimes I want that so much; I fantasise about being able to take my own life without there being an impact on anyone I love.
But that is only a fantasy and I am stuck here with no escape option. I am stuck here with this pain that just gets more intense and more intolerable.
So I had a drink, because I wanted to feel less. Less hurt. Less lost. Less lonely and sad.