Sickness

I have to travel to the Netherlands today and I am not feeling at all well. The universe seemed to hand me a gift in the form of a foggy morning, which meant my flight was cancelled and I had to re-book for this evening. That’s given me a bit more time to rest, although it means I’ll arrive much later than planned tonight, which isn’t ideal.

Over the past week I’ve started to feel like my body is giving up on me. I don’t write much about my physical health, but right now I feel a need to whinge about my growing list of ailments.

I know I’m in a fortunate position compared to a lot of people I know with trauma histories, as I don’t get ill very often. But at the moment I am suffering with back pain, a foot injury, sore and unsightly dermatitis on my face, allergies, intermittent insomnia and severe IBS.

I’m sure part of the problem is that I haven’t been allowing myself to eat properly. It’s probably a kind of passive self-harm thing and I know it’s not sensible or healthy. I’ve lost about 16 lbs since December. So I assume my body is pretty depleted and that’s going to exacerbate all the niggles.

To make everything worse, last week I also picked up some sort of virus. At first I thought I was having withdrawal symptoms as I’ve stopped taking Mirtazipine, the antidepressant I’ve been on for about two years. But the nausea, headaches and tiredness got worse as the week went on and by Friday I felt awful. I couldn’t move or look at anything without feeling sick and I was running a fever.

That meant I wasn’t able to do anything at all on Saturday. I absolutely cannot stand doing nothing. It almost instantly makes me miserable. I generally cope with all the crap in my head by being busy and distracting myself. This virus suddenly made that impossible, so I ended up feeling completely wretched. I felt really needy and clingy with my wife, and even with my mum on the phone. The only way I’d let her hang up was if she promised to call me again later. It took me to a very young place.

Thankfully, I am feeling less ill today, and a bit more in touch with my capable adult. Annoyingly, the meetings I’ve got in Amsterdam tomorrow are too important to cancel, so I’m just going to have to power through it. I’ve not left home yet, but I am already counting the hours until I can come home and climb back under my duvet.

(The photo is my lovely dog, she’s great at providing awesome cuddles and company when I’m sick).

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