Self rejection and my toxic inner child

I haven’t written in a few weeks. I’m full of too many thoughts. They’re tangled and wound up so tight I can’t find an end to grab hold of to even begin.

Expressing myself is frightening. I recently realised that I am in fact scared of my own feelings. I know that sitting inside me there’s this mass of anger, grief, regret and sheer pain. I can say it’s there but I can’t own it.

By owning it, I mean fully identifying with all of those feelings. I mean really holding each of them, really attaching them to myself and my experience.

Right now, I’m adept at dissociating from it all. In observing that black mass of terrifying emotions, I watch it all from afar. It all belongs to a part of me that I flatly reject. The young, vulnerable part that was manipulated by her big brother. That part who loved and looked up to the people in her life that should have protected her and didn’t.

That child part is the source of so much pain. And worse; the shame, disgust and horror at what she was a part of. I’ve read about ‘inner child work’; these courageous people who reach out to those wounded parts of themselves and learn to love them. They learn to be the person that child needed long ago.

I see those brave people and I see something impossible. It’s inconceivable to me that I could ever love my broken inner child. It will sound callous, maybe even monstrous to anyone on the outside of this, but I loathe that part of myself. I am so powerfully disconnected from her because I reject her experience. I reject that it was mine.

This leaves me in a cycle of destructive self-hatred. No matter what I achieve as an adult, how much love I am given, I can’t give up hating myself. When I think back to the violence I’ve inflicted on myself, I can see a clear motive. It’s hugely misguided, but I want to destroy her. She is a poison. Somehow, somewhere in my subconscious is a drive to kill of that toxic part of myself.

In therapy today, I didn’t want to speak. I wanted to hide and at one point I even considered getting up and just walking out. I think this is partly because at the moment, that young part of myself keeps surfacing when I am with J. I can’t help but switch out of my adult thinking and become consumed with her horrible, dark emotions. And in that state, I start feeling like a cornered animal. I get defensive and prickly, but mostly I just feel so scared of showing something of what’s inside.

Photo credit: Kasia, Creative Commons.

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. “The young, vulnerable part that was manipulated by her big brother. That part who loved and looked up to the people in her life that should have protected her and didn’t.” This brought tears to my eyes and may be a sadness I will always carry.
    I think it is very natural to reject ‘her.’ Who wants to be a child who was abused? So hate her, kill her off, don’t love her. Yet ‘she’ is not toxic unless you equate toxicity with need.
    It is only with welcoming her into your arms that she will begin to smile again. I find moments when I know the giggle erupting is the childlike part of me. I’m a long way down this path to just begin to discover this or allow her presence.
    That you are seeing this disconnection now is a great thing. And it can be an adventure though that might not sound like the best word. You have excavating to do, bringing the parts home. Look at a child the same age as you were.
    Such honest heartfelt writing…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura Black says:

      Thank you for your kind words. And for the encouragement in knowing you’ve succeeded in what feels so impossible for me right now.

      Like

      1. I wish I had succeeded but am a work in progress. I tend to be so serious too much of time, but there are those moments…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Laura Black says:

        I think we are all a work in progress. And it’s bloody hard work too. I really hope those moments become more a more frequent for you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. dbest1ishere says:

    The inner child is such a hard thing to comprehend believe me I know. I am working on inner child work now in therapy and my inner child is angry, ashamed, embarrassed and hurt. I have a really hard time going there with the work because it causes me so much pain

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura Black says:

      I’m sorry to hear you struggle with this too. But it sounds positive that you’ve begun that work. And really courageous too.

      Like

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