The hangover from EMDR this week has been a heavy one and I’m not surprised. The particular memory I worked on in my session on Monday was one of the most frightening and traumatic. I thought that as the days put distance between me and that horrible session, I would start to feel better about it.

I was wrong. I still feel bruised. I can’t shake off the sensations in my body, the detail of the memory, or the painful emotions it brings up. Nothing feels manageable when all this is going on.

There’s also J’s upcoming holiday playing into my low mood. I always feel worried about her being unavailable. I get anxious about my routine not being what it usually is. And although I have always survived her taking time off, I still get scared I can’t cope without her.

I am really struggling. And maybe I’m not as accustomed to it as I used to be. Perhaps because I’ve not been drowning in my low moods like I did until fairly recently I have lost the knack of keeping my head above water. But this all feels bleak and so painful. It’s like I am suffocating in my own thoughts.

I hate being awake because I can’t escape from what’s in my head. So I sleep as much as I can, but I still feel tired. I’m tired of going to work and having to pretend I am a normal, functional human being. I’m tired of battling myself every day to stay safe, to force down the suicidal thoughts and the urges to self-harm. I guess I’m just not sure what the point is, and it’s hard to keep fighting when I don’t know what I’m fighting for.

Photo: Ghost of Kuji, Creative Commons.