I’m not going to therapy today. Cancelling always feels melodramatic, but today I just needed to. I know that it’s a cop-out. I know that the only way to work through this stuff is to go and actually work on it. But my sessions with J throughout the past week have been extremely difficult. Being stuck in this pattern doesn’t do me any good, and I’ve got no idea when I’m going to break out of it. There’s only so much banging my head on a wall that I’m willing to do.

Since I’ve been working with J, we’ve been through these tough periods repeatedly. What happens is I withdraw and we both then sit in uncomfortable silence for most of the session. I understand that she can’t keep coming in to rescue me when I’m not able to speak, but her not doing so doesn’t prompt me being able to communicate better. I just get increasingly anxious in the silence, tense and frustrated.

I’m not giving up on therapy. It just feels counterproductive at the moment and it drains so much of my energy. I’m living in a bad situation at home; waiting for my housemate and his dad to sort out moving his stuff and dealing with my feelings around his relapse. Plus I know that within the next week, it’s likely the police will be questioning my brother on the allegations I’ve made. It’s a given that my family will react badly and it won’t be easy for me to handle that.

I am too tired and too despondent to feel like going to therapy will do me any good right now. It feels futile. I go there and I feel like I am wasting mine and J’s time, because I am resolute in my determination that I can’t be helped. I won’t help myself, and J can’t fix things for me, so it is oddly more comfortable for me not to have to go and challenge any of that.