Therapy today: Overwhelmed

As I start writing this, I’m already tempted to run off topic. Therapy today was tricky. I felt guarded and distant. There was a fair bit of hopelessness around. Maybe that’s why I’ve not written much about therapy recently. It’s perhaps why I haven’t written much at all. I’ve struggled to feel like there is any meaning to be found in putting words on paper. Nothing seems to alleviate the overwhelm.

I know that’s when I drop the ball. When I can’t get a handle on things and it all becomes unmanageable, I give up trying to manage it. Even just a small part. Everything seems so infinitely connected and tangled that making sense of any fragment feels impossible.

This has made me irritable and resistant in therapy. I want to argue against everything J says to me, like if I push back hard enough she’ll give up trying to work with me. I think there’s something in me that wants to convince her my distorted thinking is right and she’s wrong to believe in me. Sometimes I wonder whether I am subconsciously waiting for her to agree with what I say about myself, so we can end the repetitious discussion of the past months once and for all.

While I have been feeling very low, I haven’t done anything too destructive. I’ve been cutting again, on and off for about three weeks. It’s oddly dissociative. Not in the sense that I’m dissociated when I decide to cut, but once I’m in the act I am so far from myself. I don’t feel the blade on my skin at all. There’s no physical pain.

I think I’ve been self harming again because so much feels out of my control. Here’s a brief summary of the significant events that occurred for me in the last three weeks.

Two of my colleagues died. Both too young, and both very sudden. One was a friend, one I knew but not too well. The emotional fallout at work has been more than difficult.

My best friend tried to kill himself in our home (we live together). I got a phone call at work from the fire service as they had to break our front door down to get to him. He was in intensive care for two days. For a short time I wasn’t sure he would survive. J was on holiday and I felt as though I wasn’t going to cope with any of it. It was awful.

My grandmother is now in hospital with pneumonia. I’ve got no energy left to be worried about her. I am just hoping and hoping that she’ll recover.

For now, I am focused on the fact that I’ll be attending a funeral tomorrow. For a kind, funny, intelligent man who has left behind a wife and young family and a huge cohort of friends who adored him. I don’t want to say goodbye to him, but it feels important that I do.

Photo: Liz West, Creative Commons.

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. I have not experienced all the tragedy that you have. I am actually not exactly sure where my breaking began. At least as far as pinpointing it. Just wanted to let you know you are brave for being in therapy. Don’t discount that because I myself can not even come to that stage.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura Black says:

      It isn’t bravery. It’s just what I’ve got to do to survive. It took me a lot of years of knowing I needed therapy before I went for it. And when you have a good therapist, it isn’t all that bad!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m hoping soon to achieve this level of survival ..such as it is

        Like

  2. Oh my gosh. This has been a terribly hurtful time. So much you grieving for you. I’m so sorry about your friend, co-worker, roommate. As you go throught this difficult time I am sending you huge amounts of support!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura Black says:

      Thank you for the thought. Yes it has been more than awful. It’s so hard not to give up on everything good when life throws this much shit at you in a short space of time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Totally understandable. Hang in there!

        Liked by 1 person

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