I wanted to write something eloquent, but I’m angry. I’m sick of wading through all the shit from my past that clings to me in the present and crushes any thoughts of the future. I hate being me. I hate myself even for the self-pity in hating being me. I hate that so much that matters to me has become questionable. I’m not sure who I am and what my place is in this world.
Tonight I feel incredibly self-destructive. My suicidal thoughts are getting the better of me. I’ve been fighting them for weeks and I’ve run out of energy to keep pushing back. Every day feels like it drains me more. I’m still having nightmares and flashbacks. I can’t let myself be close to anyone. I assume that everything I feel I’m achieving is ultimately doomed to failure. All the struggles of the past year have just been buying time.
I’m tired. Sorry I’ve not got much else to say.
blackspotsite 
Hi Laura, it is sad to hear you are not doing well and having a down swing in your cycle. Everyone goes through ups and downs, but for some of us they are worse and hard places to be. If you still have suicidal thoughts you should look online for a free help line to talk to. Never act on these thoughts, it is your mind trying to trick you. You don’t need to do what you mind says because you are not your mind. Your mind is a sense of the brain, like smell is for the nose, or sight is for your eyes… thoughts arise in the brain/mind but they do not need to be taken as true… remember sometimes our eyes trick us and we see optical illusions. Focus on your breathing and try to do some self-care tonight ❤
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Thank you.
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I prefer your raw honesty compared to eloquence. What you are saying here is powerful and painful. All I want to do is give you a huge cuddle, and hold onto you until some of the intenseness of this pain lifts away. Stay strong x
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I can feel the cuddle. It’s such a warm sentiment, thank you so much x
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You’re not alone. Email me if you want to talk!
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I will do. Thanks for the support.
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You’ve written a short, concise, beautiful piece. There is art and insight in your darkness. Can the darkness maybe not fought but harnessed and celebrated. Please don’t ever harm yourself, you write honestly and beautifully and I have to tell you, this complete fucking stranger on the other side of the planet would miss you, sweet little black crow (I love that picture).
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These words really touched me. Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful. It means a lot to know you’re thinking of me.
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SLBC not just words, so much of what you write resonates, harness your darkness so you control it. The source of mine and my brothers pain died an horrifically slow and tortuous death years ago (apparently he still breaths) but not in my heart and soul, I replay his horrendous death in my mind and heart and soul and so I am free , to the point where I no longer even consider thinking about him, he has no control. And when I think he does I remember his effacing death. Effacing, a very powerful word. Your parents and your brother may have “killed you” but if you live as though they are humiliating dead you can be free, I promise. It’s not easy but it can happen, YOU can make it so! I promise, because I’ve done it. You, truly do have control.
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Thanks everyone for your encouragement and for letting me know you’re there and you’re listening. I am feeling stronger this morning, after a good night’s sleep. The sun is shining and the weekend is ahead 🙂
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