I’d usually write something about therapy this evening, but I’ve got to saturation point. I can’t think about any of that stuff anymore. I can’t find the energy necessary to feed the process. I am so tired of this struggle. Every now and then I get a day or so of feeling like existing isn’t such a fight, but then the overwhelm always returns. When I was with J today, I just wanted to hibernate. I wanted to wrap up in a blanket, curl in a ball and hide.
What’s around for me tonight is the theme of loss. All I can think about are my losses and how permanent the past is. I know it is more helpful to think about how changeable the future is. At the same time, I could recite the Serenity Prayer until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t convince me to accept the things I can’t change. I can’t even bring myself to write those things down.
I don’t want to accept them. I don’t want to live with them. I can’t think of the future, because that implies that I’ve got many more years of feeling how I feel right now, and I can’t handle that.