At a loss

I’d usually write something about therapy this evening, but I’ve got to saturation point. I can’t think about any of that stuff anymore. I can’t find the energy necessary to feed the process. I am so tired of this struggle. Every now and then I get a day or so of feeling like existing isn’t such a fight, but then the overwhelm always returns. When I was with J today, I just wanted to hibernate. I wanted to wrap up in a blanket, curl in a ball and hide.

What’s around for me tonight is the theme of loss. All I can think about are my losses and how permanent the past is. I know it is more helpful to think about how changeable the future is. At the same time, I could recite the Serenity Prayer until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t convince me to accept the things I can’t change. I can’t even bring myself to write those things down.

I don’t want to accept them. I don’t want to live with them. I can’t think of the future, because that implies that I’ve got many more years of feeling how I feel right now, and I can’t handle that.

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One Comment Add yours

  1. You are being honest with yourself and thats really important. The other “stuff” comes in time…. your time. Or maybe not at all. I know my losses, I dont accept them. I dont know what I do with them. I could only write them because I am anonymous and it still triggered me.
    I feel like others wrote the beginning of my story and its now my damn turn to write the end, so I took my damn book back! 😉 Its tug of war. As you say, easier said then done each and every day.

    Liked by 2 people

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