Now I’m back at work and behaving like a semi-normal human being I am travelling again. They’ve sent me to Amsterdam this week. I am under orders from everyone at home to be on my best behaviour. That means not using the opportunity of time alone to drink or harm myself. It’s a big ask.
I am meeting up with some co-workers from some of our other offices for dinner tonight. They are great friends who I am really looking forward to seeing. The problem is they are also people I used to love getting wasted with. I’m 95 days sober today and I would really like to at least get to my 100th.
Despite having a rough few days, I do feel OK about this. Given that it is less than 48 hours since I last self-harmed, I expected to feel a bit more shaky. I’m trying to move on from that moment of weakness now though, and not beat myself up for it. It goes against my habit, but I am really working to avoid such counter-productive thinking.
I’m alone in my hotel room right now and I don’t feel like doing anything self-destructive. Even with the dreary view I attached above, I feel quite strong. I am happy that I have got to the stage in my recovery at which travelling is feasible again. I’m glad I am back at work for enough hours that I need to see my international colleagues. Although it’s only a small thing, it feels like I have got a little bit of my old life back.