Failed again

I’ve got a confession to make. I self-harmed last night. I cut myself. Not just a little bit, I cut myself fifteen times. I had a phone conversation with my mum and that brought on the compulsion.

It wasn’t a horrible call. We talked about everyday stuff and laughed together. It was easy and it felt good. It felt like the old days. I didn’t want to hang up and neither did she, so we talked for ninety minutes.

Once I’d finished our phone call though, my mood dropped dramatically. I tried to distract myself by painting. I enjoyed getting my hands dirty, I painted with my fingers for the first time since I was tiny. I used loads of bright colours and created something beautiful.

Painting didn’t help though. There was no relief. I still held the urge, that dark voice telling me I had to do something. So I plotted. I contemplated suicide. I worked out how I would do it. Then I decided that wasn’t a good idea.

So I thought I would run instead. Just disappear from the house and go and obliterate myself with alcohol. I liked the idea of getting hammered and landing myself in some trouble. But again I reined myself in. I remembered how distressing it was for my wife last time I went AWOL and I didn’t want the police out looking for me. I knew if they caught up with me I would be looking at a Section and I’m not keen on the prospect of being incarcerated.

That’s how I ended up cutting myself. I really tried not to. I sat with the blade in my hand, feeling its edge and thinking about what to do with it. I sat like that for about an hour. And then I started. It wasn’t dissociative, I wasn’t out of control. But I enjoyed it. I know I shouldn’t admit that, but I did enjoy it. It was exciting. It was a release. It felt right. I felt like I should be hurting, I should be suffering. In a really sick way, it made sense.

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16 Comments Add yours

  1. I sometimes get more depressed and have suicidal ideation after having a good time, or a positive social experience. After feeling good, and then suddenly having that cut off, feels like I’m going back into a black void or something.

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    1. Laura Black says:

      That definitely makes sense. Having light makes the darkness feel darker.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending hugs your way x

    Liked by 3 people

  3. cherished79 says:

    Ever want to talk about it, I’m here for you. Been there. Hugs xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Laura Black says:

      That’s kind of you, thanks. And I’m sorry you’ve been there too.

      Like

  4. moose5499 says:

    Remember that this isn’t an act of failure, it all gets too much for us sometimes, you have not lost the battle yet. I am always here if you need someone

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    1. Laura Black says:

      Thank you for the reassurance. It means a lot to me that people take the time to leave some words of encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. oake31 says:

    It sounds like your mom gave you a bit of what you have been craving for so intensley off her , and I guess the ending of the phone call was really painful on a unconscious level. You haven’t failed Laura, you just tried to get rid of horrible feelings. Praise yourself for not taking the other routes and controlling those urges. Everyone has a default button and cut off point when you won’t put of emotional pain
    I hope you have not hurt yourself too much and you don’t deserve it x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura Black says:

      That’s very sweet of you, thank you. And I am recognising that it is to some degree a success that I didn’t do anything more dangerous. I just wish I could get to a point at which I don’t want to do this stuff anymore. It is always a struggle, so I suppose it is inevitable I will lose sometimes.

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  6. oake31 says:

    Want out of emotional pain, sorry for predictive text

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  7. Remember that relief it gives you is only temporary. Remember the aftermath is messy. Please try to find another way x

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  8. I’m not even really sure what so say. Do you have borderline disorder? After you cut yourself … like a day or two later … how do you feel about it? I think the cutting in the moment and maybe immediately afterwards offers some relief … but what feelings occurs days later?

    I’m sorry you got to this point. I try to avoid individuals that drive me to sad and upsetting or angry thoughts. BUT sometimes we can’t always avoid these people.

    Hope you are doing better today. In a better place.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Laura Black says:

      Hi. I’m doing a bit better today. Travelling for work so my mind is occupied by the fun of trains and airports. I apparently have traits of EUPD, but they are very similar to the symptoms of complex PTSD, so none of the terms mean all that much to me. I wish I could feel like my life was OK without my mum in it, but I miss her so much when we don’t talk. So I have to find a way to firm up my boundaries.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hadn’t heard the acronym EUPD before … had to look it up and found this article:

        http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/living-with-emotionally-unstable-personality-disorder

        I read that article and feel like I can identify with a lot of what that woman expresses.

        Glad you’re feeling better today. Perhaps EUPD is a better term than BPD. I hate what that Fatal Attraction movie did for BPD (EUPD) … what a disservice to people trying to recover, move on, learn more healthy ways, etc. A lot of movies mess up psych issues and portray the illnesses very inaccurately. I get pissed every time I see some mental or medical portrayed incorrectly … guess it’s jus the nurse in me.

        Cyber hugs to you today! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Gemma says:

    I can experience a low mood after having a nice experience too. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me losttothedark@hotmail.com x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura Black says:

      That’s very kind, thank you.

      Like

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