I’ve got a confession to make. I self-harmed last night. I cut myself. Not just a little bit, I cut myself fifteen times. I had a phone conversation with my mum and that brought on the compulsion.
It wasn’t a horrible call. We talked about everyday stuff and laughed together. It was easy and it felt good. It felt like the old days. I didn’t want to hang up and neither did she, so we talked for ninety minutes.
Once I’d finished our phone call though, my mood dropped dramatically. I tried to distract myself by painting. I enjoyed getting my hands dirty, I painted with my fingers for the first time since I was tiny. I used loads of bright colours and created something beautiful.
Painting didn’t help though. There was no relief. I still held the urge, that dark voice telling me I had to do something. So I plotted. I contemplated suicide. I worked out how I would do it. Then I decided that wasn’t a good idea.
So I thought I would run instead. Just disappear from the house and go and obliterate myself with alcohol. I liked the idea of getting hammered and landing myself in some trouble. But again I reined myself in. I remembered how distressing it was for my wife last time I went AWOL and I didn’t want the police out looking for me. I knew if they caught up with me I would be looking at a Section and I’m not keen on the prospect of being incarcerated.
That’s how I ended up cutting myself. I really tried not to. I sat with the blade in my hand, feeling its edge and thinking about what to do with it. I sat like that for about an hour. And then I started. It wasn’t dissociative, I wasn’t out of control. But I enjoyed it. I know I shouldn’t admit that, but I did enjoy it. It was exciting. It was a release. It felt right. I felt like I should be hurting, I should be suffering. In a really sick way, it made sense.
blackspotsite 
I sometimes get more depressed and have suicidal ideation after having a good time, or a positive social experience. After feeling good, and then suddenly having that cut off, feels like I’m going back into a black void or something.
LikeLike
That definitely makes sense. Having light makes the darkness feel darker.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sending hugs your way x
LikeLiked by 3 people
Ever want to talk about it, I’m here for you. Been there. Hugs xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s kind of you, thanks. And I’m sorry you’ve been there too.
LikeLike
Remember that this isn’t an act of failure, it all gets too much for us sometimes, you have not lost the battle yet. I am always here if you need someone
LikeLike
Thank you for the reassurance. It means a lot to me that people take the time to leave some words of encouragement.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It sounds like your mom gave you a bit of what you have been craving for so intensley off her , and I guess the ending of the phone call was really painful on a unconscious level. You haven’t failed Laura, you just tried to get rid of horrible feelings. Praise yourself for not taking the other routes and controlling those urges. Everyone has a default button and cut off point when you won’t put of emotional pain
I hope you have not hurt yourself too much and you don’t deserve it x
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s very sweet of you, thank you. And I am recognising that it is to some degree a success that I didn’t do anything more dangerous. I just wish I could get to a point at which I don’t want to do this stuff anymore. It is always a struggle, so I suppose it is inevitable I will lose sometimes.
LikeLike
Want out of emotional pain, sorry for predictive text
LikeLike
Remember that relief it gives you is only temporary. Remember the aftermath is messy. Please try to find another way x
LikeLike
I’m not even really sure what so say. Do you have borderline disorder? After you cut yourself … like a day or two later … how do you feel about it? I think the cutting in the moment and maybe immediately afterwards offers some relief … but what feelings occurs days later?
I’m sorry you got to this point. I try to avoid individuals that drive me to sad and upsetting or angry thoughts. BUT sometimes we can’t always avoid these people.
Hope you are doing better today. In a better place.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hi. I’m doing a bit better today. Travelling for work so my mind is occupied by the fun of trains and airports. I apparently have traits of EUPD, but they are very similar to the symptoms of complex PTSD, so none of the terms mean all that much to me. I wish I could feel like my life was OK without my mum in it, but I miss her so much when we don’t talk. So I have to find a way to firm up my boundaries.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hadn’t heard the acronym EUPD before … had to look it up and found this article:
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/living-with-emotionally-unstable-personality-disorder
I read that article and feel like I can identify with a lot of what that woman expresses.
Glad you’re feeling better today. Perhaps EUPD is a better term than BPD. I hate what that Fatal Attraction movie did for BPD (EUPD) … what a disservice to people trying to recover, move on, learn more healthy ways, etc. A lot of movies mess up psych issues and portray the illnesses very inaccurately. I get pissed every time I see some mental or medical portrayed incorrectly … guess it’s jus the nurse in me.
Cyber hugs to you today! ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can experience a low mood after having a nice experience too. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me losttothedark@hotmail.com x
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s very kind, thank you.
LikeLike