It’s Chinese new year on Monday, the year of the Monkey. That inspired me to look up my zodiac animal. Google tells me I’m a fire tiger. I am quite happy with that. Ferocious and powerful. Tigers are stunning animals.
If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that I’ve had a tough few weeks. I’m angry and frustrated, mostly with my family. I’m not talking to any of them right now and that is very new for me. I’m usually a ‘please others’ person, but I’m digging in and standing my ground. It feels awful.
This week I’ve also discovered a whole lot of sadness that I’ve never felt before. I feel as though I have started to grieve. That grieving is two-fold; for the theft of my innocence at the age of ten, and for the loss of who I’d conned myself into believing my family were. The synthetic happiness I believed in for so many years has dissolved in front of me. I’ve realised I can’t rely on my family to have my back. It’s like being punched in the stomach.
I’ve been struggling to stay safe and deal with all this. It isn’t my habit to be sober and not harming myself when I feel so bad. But I am just about keeping my head above water. I have no idea how, but I’m doing it. I’m as surprised as anyone about that.
This is why I want to get a hold of my inner tiger. I’m exhausted and I need to find some fight. I need rage, teeth, stealthy potency. That’s what will have to get me through if I make the choice not to self-destruct. I’m going to need that fire in my belly, an energy to force me forward. I’ll have to find a way to unearth some of the strength of that powerful creature, the weight and agility to keep me grounded and secure.
Maybe I’ll use tomorrow to paint myself a fire tiger.
Photo: Rennett Stowe, Creative Commons.