I’m caught. Stuck between an infuriating rock and a miserable hard place. After trying repeatedly to get some sort of genuine support from my parents, I am on the verge of giving up. Despite my continued efforts to help them understand my experience, they continue to reject me. Einstein said the definition of insanity was to do the same thing repeatedly and expect a different outcome. I’ve been ignoring that pearl of wisdom, because I didn’t want to lose hope of that change.
Yesterday I emailed my mum, explaining that I don’t feel strong enough to talk to her and I need some space. I wanted to fix that boundary. I also needed to let her know that my wife and I are in a precarious financial position. I’d already given her a heads up that I’ve taken legal advice on suing my brother for the abuse, damages and compensation. In this message I just outlined that in order to keep going with therapy (which is necessary) I need some money from him. I wasn’t asking for thousands, just £400 per month to cover Js fees. I thought that was a reasonable compromise.
So my mum first asked if I would call her. Having completely ignored my request for space. When I pushed back, she emailed to say she won’t ask my brother for the money. She says it wouldn’t be good for her and that she and my dad could give me money if I needed it. That was totally beside the point. It isn’t their crime to pay for. And once again, they have shown they are willing to do absolutely anything to protect my brother. The final straw is that my mum went behind my back to ask my sister to talk to my brother for me. I am so angry about that. I did not want my sister involved, it is not her problem and putting that pressure on her is vastly unfair.
In response to this I had a meltdown last night. I was crying and shaking and desperate to smash something. After having panic attacks twice last week I didn’t want to go there again, so I took a few Lorazepam to calm me. That just left me with this residue anger, bubbling quietly and incubating dangerous fantasies in me.
I am sick of being treated like a child, yet not protected like a child. I am so frustrated with people making decisions based on their own self-interest, then framing them as what they think is best for me. I’ve reached this hopeless point at which I want to give up on my family, leave them to live in their fake, messed-up microcosm without me. It brings up so much rage that I have been through a horrendous year; struggling, fighting, surviving against the odds, but they can’t consider doing anything that might make them just a little uncomfortable. I’m through with it.
The next step? I am seriously considering reporting my brother to the police and finally making him pay for what he did. It’s possible I know, to make an historic prosecution. Especially with a witness, which I have. He groomed me, terrified me, violated me. He committed incest. Those are all very real and serious crimes. I’ve had enough of being the only person who sees it that way.