New ink

Getting new ink is always exciting. It perfectly combines two things I find soothing; painting and pain. Tattooing is a great pleasure for a self harmer. I get to embrace pain in an environment in which it is totally normal and acceptable. There’s none of the guilt I get when I’m alone in the bathroom with a razor blade.

The past week has been a tough one. I’ve been getting quite manic, hyperactively doing loads of jobs and then crashing into a vile black mood. Sleeping off that drowning feeling, only to wake up and begin the cycle all over again. So I’m trying to interrupt that manic phase before it gets into full swing.

Being manic is hard to stop. I’m an addict. I get a buzz from the adrenaline in my system when I am being frantically busy. I don’t want to slow down, because that racing feeling is exciting. I did manage it a few days ago, but it took enormous willpower and a stern word from my wife.

That energy has been channeled in productive ways. I took legal advice, had a difficult conversation with my mum, got loads done in the office, cleaned the entire house, rearranged the furniture, sold a ton of stuff on eBay, finally worked out how to use my sewing machine, the list goes on. Importantly, I also started working on a project to provide support for adult survivors of sexual abuse in my area. I’m cautiously optimistic about that.

My psych says these mood swings are a sign of recovery. But it’s like having the light makes it so much harder to tolerate the dark. While I am glad if that’s what these polarised experiences mean, I see a lot of danger too. When I exhaust myself being hyper, sliding into the darkness happens so much faster. And when I arrive there tired, I easily sink into despair. That’s the time I tend to harm myself seriously.

But it is Monday and a new week has begun. Maybe this one will be more level. I’m sleeping a bit better thanks to the Quetiapine, and that makes everything feel a whole lot easier.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. I can’t wait to get some new ink myself. Is this your new tattoo? If so, it looks great! I want to get the one that says I’m fine one way and save me on the way…. or something like that. Cause looks can be deceiving.
    I’ve been in a weird mood myself. Maybe because of my caffiene induced high (and lows), but I’ve been too exhausted to think about anything ptsd and abuse related. I’ve been too tried to read any books or write or do any self work…… plus I was also avoiding thinking due to the fact that I couldn’t see my counselor for 16 days.
    I feel like I was almost normal, yet just going through the motions. I felt as though I had no feelings again, and I didnt’ like it. As much as it sucks to be sad and cry all the time, the lack of is worse for me.
    I’m glad you got things done, you sound like me, but I think I’m a little less manic. 😛
    I hope things continue to get better for you.
    hugs.

    Like

    1. Laura Black says:

      Yeah that’s my new tattoo, I love it. If you’re feeling exhausted, maybe that just means you need some time to re-energise. You’re so busy I can imagine you need a break sometimes. x

      Liked by 1 person

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