There aren’t any acceptable alternatives are there? The escape route that appeals is out of the question. I can’t anticipate getting out that way. I’ve also been told I shouldn’t avoid my issues. At the same time I am apparently not stable enough to face my issues.
What does that even mean? After 121 therapy for 12 months plus 3 months of intensive group therapy in hospital, surely I’ve not got that much left that needs to be dealt with. I have talked about everything. There is nothing I haven’t talked to someone about at some point in the last year. I have no secrets left, none at all.
Maybe I’ve got therapy fatigue. I suppose that’s a thing. Perhaps I have reached the point at which I have to fully commit, or decide to disengage. I have been on the fence for a long time. At no time have I ever been 100% dedicated to recovering. There has always been a significant part of me that wants to self-destruct.
It doesn’t matter how much I interrogate it, that part obstructs my progress. There’s no denying it, no switching it off, it’s got the loudest voice. I can’t understand it, so I don’t know how I can change it. That means consequently I question whether there is any point in me continuing with therapy.
I like doing therapy. On the whole, it gives me some much needed breathing space. I get a lot of encouragement and support from my therapist. I trust her. I feel safe there. But I can’t keep going indefinitely. It exhausts me. Plus we’re running out of money.
We’ve got savings, but if I keep chewing through the nest egg we’ll never be able to buy a home again. If it were just me, I’d be alright with that. I’d only be impacting my own future. But that’s my wife’s future too, so I feel selfish throwing it all at therapy.
This has all left me in a dilemma. I read therapy books. I know it works if you really want it to and I know it takes a long time. It’s likely I’ll break down again if I don’t do something to stave it off. But then I wonder if that is likely to happen again anyway. I just wish I could be sure of something. Sure I’ll feel better, therapy will work, the drugs will work, I won’t have another breakdown, etc. I’m not religious, I don’t have a god to put my faith in. And I can’t find that faith in myself either.
Photo credit: Matt Kowalcyzk, Creative Commons.