There aren’t any acceptable alternatives are there? The escape route that appeals is out of the question. I can’t anticipate getting out that way. I’ve also been told I shouldn’t avoid my issues. At the same time I am apparently not stable enough to face my issues.
What does that even mean? After 121 therapy for 12 months plus 3 months of intensive group therapy in hospital, surely I’ve not got that much left that needs to be dealt with. I have talked about everything. There is nothing I haven’t talked to someone about at some point in the last year. I have no secrets left, none at all.
Maybe I’ve got therapy fatigue. I suppose that’s a thing. Perhaps I have reached the point at which I have to fully commit, or decide to disengage. I have been on the fence for a long time. At no time have I ever been 100% dedicated to recovering. There has always been a significant part of me that wants to self-destruct.
It doesn’t matter how much I interrogate it, that part obstructs my progress. There’s no denying it, no switching it off, it’s got the loudest voice. I can’t understand it, so I don’t know how I can change it. That means consequently I question whether there is any point in me continuing with therapy.
I like doing therapy. On the whole, it gives me some much needed breathing space. I get a lot of encouragement and support from my therapist. I trust her. I feel safe there. But I can’t keep going indefinitely. It exhausts me. Plus we’re running out of money.
We’ve got savings, but if I keep chewing through the nest egg we’ll never be able to buy a home again. If it were just me, I’d be alright with that. I’d only be impacting my own future. But that’s my wife’s future too, so I feel selfish throwing it all at therapy.
This has all left me in a dilemma. I read therapy books. I know it works if you really want it to and I know it takes a long time. It’s likely I’ll break down again if I don’t do something to stave it off. But then I wonder if that is likely to happen again anyway. I just wish I could be sure of something. Sure I’ll feel better, therapy will work, the drugs will work, I won’t have another breakdown, etc. I’m not religious, I don’t have a god to put my faith in. And I can’t find that faith in myself either.
Photo credit: Matt Kowalcyzk, Creative Commons.
blackspotsite 
This was a very raw post, very real. I can see your conflict and feel it too. I can understand your back and forth, it’s an internal conflict over your healing process. It sounds like you are in a place where psychiatrists aren’t covered by your health plan, but if you are in Canada or the UK I would suggest trying to find a psychiatrist who also does therapy as you wouldn’t need to pay out of pocket for that the way you do for a psychologist.
My next suggestion is contacting your local universities and hospitals and trying to find lower cost therapies, or free studies/training sessions. Some places train students in therapy and this is free, I participated in a study last month that was 5 months long and my symptoms reduced dramatically.
Since you trust your therapist, I would also talk to her about this problem, and see if she’d be willing to see you on a sliding scale, or if she could point you to people who cost less until you resolve your issues and can work again.
Don’t feel guilty about taking the time to heal, but at the same time if you need to heal commit to it fully. That voice is there, and listen to it, but then say to it “I hear what you’re saying, I appreciate your input, but I want to be well” every time it pops up. There’s no point in trying to force it to be quiet, it is there. You don’t need to do what it says, but don’t ignore it, just acknowledge then move forward with healing. It is a hard path but you can do it! You’re not alone!
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Thanks for the feedback and the advice. Also the reminder that I’m not the only one!
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