I’m in turmoil after therapy today. It was such an odd session. On Tuesday I dissociated, and J doesn’t want that to happen again. So she asked me to sit somewhere different. That made me uncomfortable. I hate sitting in the ‘therapising’ chair, so we compromised with me taking a seat beside her.
Then I was closer than usual, so she checked I feel safe with her. She asked if I was afraid of her. I’m not. I’m afraid of everything that lurks within me and threatens to surface when I am with her. That’s different.
Then she asked whether my going to therapy is useful. She asked me how I would be without her. It felt like she was pushing me away. It felt like she wanted me to quit. I hated that. I need her. I know as an adult who is married and goes to work and functions in a seemingly normal life I don’t need her, but I’m not always that person. The facade is thin and only protects me for a small percentage of the time. There’s someone fragile underneath, someone small who needs all the help she can get.
We talked about a lot of stuff that felt unimportant to me. We avoided any potentially difficult or triggering topics. J reiterated that we shouldn’t talk about anything that could kick off my anxiety. She said the stress in my system needs to settle. The dissociation, flashbacks and nightmares I’ve experienced recently need to have time to fade in me. Once that happens, apparently we can tackle the tough stuff again.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Those feelings won’t just leave of their own accord. And they are debilitating. I don’t get decent sleep. I feel scared and disgusted and angry as soon as my mind isn’t occupied with something else. How does that pass on its own? How long will it take? It is exhausting. It sucks the joy out of my life.
I’ve got this horrible feeling in my gut now and I feel unsafe. I can’t swallow being patient. I can’t just sit tight and hope for things to improve. I’ve got to change something. I can’t just wait and carry on living like this.
Photo credit: zeitfaenger.at, Creative Commons