I feel like I’ve started on a downward spiral again. I’m away on holiday, so I can’t understand why I feel so desperately low. I hate myself. I have no cause to complain, but that makes me feel even worse. Talk about first world problems.
I think maybe I was pushing hard to get through Christmas. There is so much horrible emotional stuff tied up in family holidays for me and I’ve been pushing that down. Sometimes I think that if I keep a lid on things for other people I might just fool myself. What usually happens is that I hold back for so long that eventually I’m caught in an emotional avalanche.
Being so far from home isn’t easy. I like familiarity. I like my familiar depressive nest in my familiar blanket squashed into the corner of our sofa. I can stay like that for hours, cuddling the dog and not having to say a word to anyone. I put the shitty quiz shows on TV and I just numb out.
I can’t do that here. I am being forced to regulate my emotions. It’s not something I am familiar with. But it is -20c outside and I don’t have a vehicle. So I can’t run away. I can’t get drunk. I’ve got nothing to self-harm with. Self-destructive thoughts keep rising up and I have to take a deep breath and hold them down. Because that would be a shitty thing to do to my wife and her family at Christmas. Plus I’m not insured for any hospital trips.
I don’t think jet lag helps. I’m not sleeping properly. My nightmares have made a comeback. I miss my bed and my home. I miss being near friends who get me. I miss therapy. I feel so far away from almost everything I go to for comfort.
The fact that I am meant to be enjoying myself makes it that much more difficult to do. It makes me feel ungrateful for having the means to travel and for the hospitality of my in-laws. I then get angry with myself for being depressed. And the result is this horrible cycle of anger and self loathing that I am in right now.
Photo credit: Nancy, Creative Commons