Today I pushed myself and took a risk. I’m low on energy, but I know I need to make progress. I can’t keep treading water. I’m tired and something has to change.
I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to write this, as nothing happened . I went way out of my comfort zone and talked to J about my relationship with her. I thought if I spoke about how I’ve felt in our previous sessions I might get past my stuckness.
What happened was even more stuckness. I shared my thoughts on criticism that came up when I was writing about our last session. And I told her how scared I am of her abandoning me. In fact, I kept telling her. Because I felt it, even there in the room with her, I felt terrified of her leaving me.
This fear pushed my nervous system to its limits and that’s when I dissociated. I knew it was happening because my vision blurred and I froze. I could hear J trying to talk to me, asking me to come back into the room, but for a few moments I disappeared. The chemicals flooding my bloodstream made me sweat, tighten all my muscles and shake.
That was over four hours ago and after staring at the ceiling in my bedroom for most of the evening I am almost feeling as though I’m present. My wife came home from work an hour ago, but I haven’t had any words for her yet. I still can’t quite shake that feeling of dread. That heaviness is clinging to me.
I couldn’t really absorb the reassurances J gave me today. I know she is a compassionate person, and I do trust her, but I don’t seem to be able to find the faith that she will stick with me. I can’t hear that. I can’t fathom how someone can see me at my worst and still want to be around. It makes no sense.
I want momentum. I want to feel like I’m moving forward. I need to see a change, even the tiniest one. There is simply no way I can sustain feeling like I do. I am swamped in self-loathing. I’m overwhelmed by all the brokenness I see around me. The constant critical voice in my head tells me I am stupid. I’m worthless. People don’t love me – they pity me or humour me. The world would be a better place without me in it.
I suppose what scares me most is not being certain I won’t abandon myself.