Analogies start to wear thin after you’ve been in therapy for a while. My therapist does Transactional Analysis. So she talks a lot about the parts of me; child, adult and parent.
I’ve started to resent it. Particularly the child stuff. It dawned on me just now that when I say something and J reflects that it sounds like it came from ‘a child place’, I feel criticised. I feel as though she is calling me childish and that in turn leads to me feeling stupid.
I’ve written a few times in recent weeks about how withdrawn I have been in therapy. J brought it up again today, right at the start of our session. She seems to think I am angry with her. I’m too co-dependent to tell someone I am fond of that I am angry with them. But I didn’t feel angry, not with her anyway.
I know people often idolise their therapists. I have wondered in the past whether I do this, and that’s why I don’t see problems in my relationship with J, but I don’t think I do. She has done some things in the past that I didn’t like. It took me a while to tell her that, but I feel like we moved past it. I am hugely grateful to her for everything she’s done for me in the past year. She has regularly gone beyond what is expected of her and I am appreciative.
Today, it seemed like she wanted me to be angry with her. It’s obviously bugging her that I keep withdrawing in our sessions. She’s right, something has changed between us and we do need to figure it out. I never used to sit in silence with a hundred thoughts racing through my head and not vocalise any of them.
Maybe I felt annoyed today that she had drawn attention to it again. I wonder if I took her enquiries about it on board as more criticism. I depend on her quite heavily. And I do worry that if I am too challenging for too long she will suggest I go to someone else. Like all of us, I don’t want to be rejected by someone I need. And I do get scared that she will give up on me.
The situation is a catch-22 then. I hold back because I don’t want to sound stupid. At the same time, if I don’t say anything, I feel like I’m being a challenging client. That meant today I tried to fill any silence by talking about everyone else. J knows my tactics too well, so I didn’t get away with it.
A few weeks ago when we spoke about the silence problem, we came to the solution of me reading from my journal when I felt stuck. What I’ve just noticed is that in our last two sessions I took my journal with me, but didn’t take it out of my bag. I’m even witholding that now.
I’m so bloody stubborn, I’m even managing to be pig-headed subconsciously.
Photo credit: Alexandre Normand, Creative Commons