I got so frazzled today I almost rolled a cigarette out of a post-it note. I didn’t have any papers. The only options were that or a £5 note. My stinginess outweighed my need for nicotine, that’s why the post-it became appealing. Desperate eh?
I was in my car, trying to call a friend who’s having a crisis. Work was stressful, I ran home to walk the dog, then had to drive to the GP, then straight to therapy. I was desperate for a smoke. I just needed something to calm me down.
I couldn’t focus in my session. I felt quite dissociated, like I was wading through a fog. I’m pretty sure J felt that too. Sometimes it is so very hard to find any words.
When I did talk it started to feel like problem solving. I hate that. If I list the reasons why I feel hopeless, I suppose the logic is that I can rationalise them and think of options beside suicide.
All that happens when I do this is that I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like J is asking me to list them so we can all see how pathetic they are. How pathetic I am to be so hyperbolic about my collection of issues. It’s like we go through this exercise so I can see just how stupid it would be for me to end my life.
I know, of course, that J doesn’t mean it this way. I get that we need to talk about it. But I can’t stand talking about it. I hardly know how to. Because having those feelings is such a deliberately lonely place for me. I withdraw and dive into that darkness, I don’t communicate about it. I stop talking, go blank, cut myself off from people. I don’t want to inflict my misery on them.
Maybe I couldn’t find the words because they don’t exist. I literally have no coherent way to express how it feels. There’s nothing that comes close to describing how dark it is, how crushing.
Real despair is the most hideous feeling. It wrenches at your gut and makes your skin crawl. It is excruciating, frustrating. It builds with this latent energy that makes you feel like at any second you might explode or dig your nails into your skin and rip yourself apart.
Photo credit: Sonny Abesamis