When I woke up today, I thought about this time last week. Seven days ago I woke up on a cardiac ward, attached to an IV and heart monitors. Last night, I had the first full, non-medicated sleep I have had in so many weeks. It left me feeling strengthened. I was so relieved to wake up and not feel awful.
I’ve been clean for a week. I don’t really feel proud or pleased, but I am glad there is a week between me and the hospital. I’m still not 100% physically, I can’t eat anything but toast. It’s been a tough detox and I’m not sure how long my body is going to take to recover.
My marriage is also going to take some time to recover. I had only just rebuilt trust with my wife after the last overdose. I’ve confessed to her that I was drinking secretly for weeks before I attempted to kill myself again. It wasn’t a one off, it’s just I went further that day.
Now I have very little confidence from her. She has confiscated every pill in the house and locked them in a safe. Our housemate ransacked every room and found my stashes. They are all gone. And I’m committed to checking in with them every day on whether I’ve had a drink.
It’s necessary I know. But I don’t want to end up in the state I was in a week ago. I didn’t even consider asking for help. I was so committed to going through with it. I didn’t pause to think about the consequences or to change my mind. That’s pretty scary.
My therapist tells me I can’t beat myself up about it. And I’m trying really hard not to. But I think of the anguish my wife must have felt and how worried she is whenever she goes out and leaves me at home now. That makes me so angry with myself for being so wrapped up in my internal world.
I’ve got to try and stay focused on the future. I’m 7 days sober now. I woke up in my own bed after a really decent night’s sleep this morning. My wife came came upstairs with the dog and they both gave me a beautiful cuddle. I felt safe and loved and calm. And that’s what I’ve got to hold onto.