If I die tonight

I want to just say that my life here has been a full one. I have loved more than I ever thought possible, laughed hard and had the very best friends anyone could ask for.

Nobody has let me down. I just can’t face being in this world anymore. It hurts too much. If I were in intolerable physical pain, you wouldn’t judge me. Well, my emotional pain is intolerable. I don’t want to be in this world full of hurt and suffering. I don’t know if something comes next and I don’t care. I just want to be rid of how I feel.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not tough and I couldn’t stick this out. I gave it a really good go. I gave it my all. I’m just not strong enough.

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17 Comments Add yours

  1. ednagilbert says:

    Please talk to someone. Let someone help. It can get better. I’ve felt that way before too. I’m here if you need someone to chat to. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ednagilbert says:

    Reading your blog has helped me and I’m sure others.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think I was meant to read this to tell you to stick it out, things can only get better

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You don’t have to be tough to stick things out. You only need to make decision to exist. Life isn’t about who is tougher, stronger, more equipped to deal; it is simply about feeling what we feel. Some people tell us that we are wrong for feeling the way that you do right now. It isn’t. If you didn’t feel like giving up sometimes than your life would be too easy, and therefore not fulfilled. Everything in life that is worth it, presents us with struggles. Even things in life that aren’t worth it. However, it is up to us to determine what is or is not worth I, and allow our self to feel accordingly. I hope that you are able to find peace in whatever it is that you are going through, and I hope that you are able to find the strength that can come from allowing ourselves a little weakness. This is something that I am struggling to learn as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. unmindfulness says:

    Hang on there darling, you’re stronger than you think! We can do that together! XO Nina

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I know it’s hard. I know you don’t think you are strong enough and that’s ok. You don’t have to be strong. You are allowed to be weak, need help, scream, cry, be angry.
    And I have faith that you will continue to push through and I will read more from you. You know why? Because you have a purpose here. If anything, you are here as a blessing to me. You’ve made me feel not so alone, not so scared. I also know that you love your wife. How awesome she is, and I know you would never want to hurt her by ending your life. Suicide hurts those we leave behind the most, you know? Our pain may end, but what about theirs? Their guilt that they didn’t see or didn’t know. The guilt that they didn’t answer that text or call. That they couldn’t have stopped you. I know you don’t want to leave that guilt to others.
    I also know that while today may be a bad day, you’ve had days lately where it hasn’t been so horrible/ I know this, from following your blog.
    It’s just a day. A bad day. Don’t make a life altering decision when you are having a bad day. And if no one has told you lately.
    I NEED YOU! I don’t want you to go. Please don’t go.
    Prayers and hugs.
    Starr

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You’ve been on my mind all night and day. Been quite upset over this.
    I hope you post soon.
    hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hey. thanks for being worried and sorry if I upset you. I’ve had an awful few days. Home from hospital now, but feeling lost, confused and scared still. Apologies again for worrying you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t apologize. Don’t feel bad about it. I just care. Can’t help it, it’s a curse. 😛 I’m sorry it’s hard for you right now. It is for me too so I just wanna reach through and hug you. I actually posted your link in a PTSD facebook group I was in. I told them I was worried and they wanted to check out your awesome blog. I hope that was okay. And I hope they did check it out. 🙂

        Like

  8. Thanks for your concern everyone, and I apologise for causing any worry. I’m not really sure what happened in the last 24 hours

    Like

  9. I have read this most recent post and want. You to know, you matter, you have helped so many people in the writing of this blog……you matter to countless people. You have Bo idea how many. Please don’t go.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. siylasia says:

    I fully understand your feelings … Writing blog posts like this is a wonderful way to seek help and vent … But please, never take your life. I understand that life- specially when you live it on level 2 with this mental health business- can be OVERWHELMING. Personally, all of me takes solace in the fact that we will die eventually. Everyone will come to a point where they face death. Whether you want to or not. Why make it early? You might miss out on something beautiful. Please, please, please!! Keep up your writing if it helps!! I just followed you recently, but from what I have read you have a talent in expressing yourself. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.
    -Summer

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your warm words. It means a lot to have support from strangers. And thanks for the compliment about my writing, I’m glad you like it. All the best, Laura

      Like

      1. siylasia says:

        You are more than welcome, Laura! A lack of community and warmth is an issue these days. Even the little things help. Hang tight and stay strong.

        Like

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