On thin ice

on

My imagination is full of the unattainable. I’m happily vegetarian, but a couple of nights ago I devoured an orgasmic bacon sandwich in a dream. It was accompanied by an entire pack of king size cigarettes. Almost every night for the last week I have dreamed of drinking. I’m a recovering alcoholic, so these dreams are such a tease.

When I dream of drinking, it plants a seed of craving. My cravings have reduced lately, but I think that is something to do with avoiding family situations that stress me out. But right now, I am craving a drink so badly. I’ve been stressed out with work all week, and with my therapist being away. I’ve kept a lid on it though.

Today that familiar ‘drowning in life’ feeling resurfaced. I’m sat at my desk, with what feels like a million things I need to reply to or complete by the end of the day – and I can’t focus on any of it. I just feel swamped and it renders me incapable of making a decision. I keep going for smoke breaks hoping when I come back I will feel more functional. Being so overwhelmed with deadlines makes me want to just say ‘fuck it’ and walk out the door.

I am engulfed in a sense of futility. What is the point of trying to achieve anything? What’s the point of staying sober, when life hurts and drink dulls the ache. What’s the point of showing up at work just to get frazzled by deadlines that make me want to quit. What’s the point of living a life in which everything feels like a fight.

I was just about staying on the safe side of this feeling, but I got some bad news today that tipped that delicate balance. The one thing I was feeling hopeful about and looking forward to isn’t going to happen. It might sound trivial, but the college I was planning to attend in January has rejected me and I am gutted. They provisionally offered me a place at the interview, so I was excited to receive a letter from them today. In summary, it read, “Taking into account your very recent history, the Management Committee feel that it would be better for you to wait another year before starting the course”.

I’m so glad that someone who only met me for 35 minutes knows what’s best for me. God forbid I get to make any actual choices for myself.

Image from Creative Commons, courtesy of Rookuzz

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