My mind is very preoccupied with the fact that my therapist is on holiday. I apologise for the fact that I keep writing about it. I appreciate the comments and posts a few people have shared with me, because you guys know it’s tough.
Being an adult who is so dependent on someone just feels pathetic to me. It makes me feel needy and weak. The only similar feeling I can recall would be from childhood, it is the same kind of attachment. It isn’t irrational then, that I go straight to being angry at myself for being so immature.
It’s not just that. My therapy sessions are like stepping stones that enable me to navigate the week. I know I have those two little islands to stop on when everything around me feels tumultuous. Without them I feel like I have no way to release the pressure that builds.
I wish I felt like I could cope without my therapist, or lean on friends and family for support. I have an amazing group of people in my life, but I don’t want to dump on them. They all have their own shit to deal with, it feels unfair to vent at them. Plus, I don’t completely trust that they can handle what I need to say. They know I often feel self-destructive, they’re aware of the scars and the hospital visits. But it’s like I can protect them from that side of me if I don’t actually talk to them about it.
It feels like I am stranded for the week. I’ve got through the weekend, but that was occupied by my retreat. Thankfully, I can fill a lot of days by being in the office, as deadlines are looming for some big projects. But it doesn’t matter how busy I make myself, it still feels like a very long week ahead.
blackspotsite 
Don’t worry. Its your own blog. No matter how many time me you mention something the same.
It sounds heartening when you depend on someone and they get a break. I hope things do get better for you. I can understand not wanting to burden friends. I wish I has someone strong with me to unload crap on in a way they can handle it. Take care.
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Don’t apologize for expressing what you soul needs to express. This is your space and you can say whatever you want. I can relate to you. Years ago, when I finally had a good therapist, he transferred to a job with more responsibility. He was honestly the first man I had trusted in a long time and him leaving I took personal. All my fears of abandonment came flooding back. I will say that I survived and after a few years I have found a therapist that honestly was better than him and has helped more than him, but it’s still the fact that he left me, when I needed him.
Hugs.
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Also, I am so sorry your therapist abandoned you. That sounds awful, I can’t imagine how I would handle that. It would be hard not to go into a tailspin and blame myself. I admire that you got back on the horse and found someone else you connected with. This therapy thing really is a minefield!
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It’s sad that in the mental health field there is so much turnover. I know that I have changed case managers over 10 times in the past 5 years. I was tired of explaining my life over and over to this people who honestly didn’t seem to care. I am working on my degree to be a Family Counselor and I know that I will not be leaving my chosen employment for the next best thing or for more money. I want my clients to be able to rely on someone and trust in someone. It’s hard to actually get anything out of counseling if you are constantly being tossed around to the next person.
I have since decided I no longer want their case management services because of this problem.
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Thanks both for your kind words. Sending hugs and good wishes back x
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I agree, mental health services are in major crisis. I count myself really lucky that I can afford to see someone privately, who I trust not to drop me. I also gave up on the services offered by the NHS, they are inhumane.
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