My mind is very preoccupied with the fact that my therapist is on holiday. I apologise for the fact that I keep writing about it. I appreciate the comments and posts a few people have shared with me, because you guys know it’s tough.
Being an adult who is so dependent on someone just feels pathetic to me. It makes me feel needy and weak. The only similar feeling I can recall would be from childhood, it is the same kind of attachment. It isn’t irrational then, that I go straight to being angry at myself for being so immature.
It’s not just that. My therapy sessions are like stepping stones that enable me to navigate the week. I know I have those two little islands to stop on when everything around me feels tumultuous. Without them I feel like I have no way to release the pressure that builds.
I wish I felt like I could cope without my therapist, or lean on friends and family for support. I have an amazing group of people in my life, but I don’t want to dump on them. They all have their own shit to deal with, it feels unfair to vent at them. Plus, I don’t completely trust that they can handle what I need to say. They know I often feel self-destructive, they’re aware of the scars and the hospital visits. But it’s like I can protect them from that side of me if I don’t actually talk to them about it.
It feels like I am stranded for the week. I’ve got through the weekend, but that was occupied by my retreat. Thankfully, I can fill a lot of days by being in the office, as deadlines are looming for some big projects. But it doesn’t matter how busy I make myself, it still feels like a very long week ahead.