Manic attack

I had what I’ve decided to call a ‘manic attack’ last night. I am curious as to whether other people have experienced this.

I have depression, but I hardly ever cry. I really wish I could, but I just don’t. I get to the point of having all the physical symptoms; tightness in my chest, flushed hot cheeks, a retching sensation that normally comes with sobbing – but no tears. I feel like if I could cry it would be such a relief.

Maybe I try too hard. I think I want to cry so badly that maybe the pressure stops me being able to let go. Very occasionally in a therapy session a few tears escape, silently, but I tend to dissociate instead. My therapist has cried in our sessions more than I have.

I think to an extent I conditioned myself not to cry. I had these awful counselling appointments when I was a child. I hated the counsellor. I hated her claw-like long fingernails, her perfume and being left there alone with her to talk about things I didn’t understand. Being there was so distressing, but even at that young age I knew that I had to prove I was OK if I wanted to escape it. So I’d stop myself from crying by pinching myself really hard, or biting the inside of my cheeks. The pain distracted me enough to stop the tears.

Going back to the manic attacks, I think they seem to happen when I need an emotional release. I’ve only had a few, but they are quite unsettling. I start laughing and I just keep going. It hurts my throat and my stomach and I have tears streaming down my face. I get to the point that I can’t breathe because I’m laughing so hard. This sensation is unpleasant, but it is also quite funny, because I’m usually laughing at something nobody else found amusing. The fact that they are all so confused by how hilarious I seem to find it just makes me laugh even more.

It’s basically like hysteria, uncontrollable to the point that I think I might pass out from not being able to breathe. Although less debilitating, my manic attacks seem to have a few things in common with panic attacks. I’d be interested to know whether others have experienced this, or whether I’m just a whole lot nuttier than I thought.

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One Comment Add yours

  1. estrella1982 says:

    I can’t say that I have had any manic periods like you describe. However, I have made my life to laugh and amuse myself. I often do laugh at things others don’t find funny and I find myself laughing harder because they don’t understand why I find it amusing. Honestly, I think its a survival technique. To find amusement in things that others don’t. I had to find happiness somewhere. But I’m not sure that’s exactly what you are describing.
    Also, years ago, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t understand it. I was numb. I could feel anger. I could feel sadness. I could feel, but I couldn’t react. Perhaps it was because I was trained that no matter how I felt, it was wrong. It was also after a horrible episode, well, better described as seasons of hell. I was numb. I was zombie and that was without meds. My best friend was six months pregnant and she was t-boned while in a car and thrown out the back windsheild. She went into labor and was life lifted to the nearest hospital that was capable of caring for her. I drove three hours to see her. As I sat at the foot of her bed. I thought to myself, I should be crying. This is a horrible thing that happened, everyone around me was crying, why couldn’t I cry?
    I’m not sure when I started crying again. A few years ago, but it seems that now I can’t stop crying. It’s not even when I’m depressed. I cry when I see a dead animal on the road or when I have a bad day. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times its due to a flashback or feelings I don’t understand or horrible fights with my husband. It is a beautiful release, that is for sure. For years, I was shamed for my tears. I was shamed to feel, to react, now I’m to the point where I don’t give a damn. I’m allowed to be sad. I’m allowed to be angry. I’m allowed to cry and no one will be allowed to make me feel bad for it. I’m not sure if this helps. I hope you can find the release you need, but know you aren’t alone. Even if I may not know exactly how you are feeling, I guarentee you that there are others out there that know what you are going through. You are not crazy. Never think you are crazy or there is something wrong with you for the way you learned to cope with your life. Your mind had no choice but to deal with it however it had to deal with it. Mine blocked out most of my memory, including the good memories.
    Never EVER apologize for what you had (and continue) to do to survive.
    sending positive vibes your way. ❤
    P.S. Friend survived and so did her baby, but she was damaged so much that she never learned to walk or talk and she died when she was a toddler. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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