Retreating

I’m going on my first weekend retreat today. Apparently the itinerary will ‘detox’ my mind. I reckon they’ve got their work cut out there. Do you think they do a money back guarantee if you’re still a fucked up neurotic accident waiting to happen when you leave?

Of course my expectations aren’t quite that high. As I wrote about yesterday, I’ve been in therapy for pretty much a year now. That’s included a 10 week psychiatric inpatient stay where I was lucky enough to attend (mostly) excellent group therapy every day. So if this weekend cleanses my self-destructive, highly self-critical and traumatised mind, maybe I should be asking for my money back from those guys instead?

On the topic of money, I am thinking about looking for some financial compensation from my arsehole brother. After all, this breakdown was his fault. He was the one who traumatised me. He took advantage of me when he was 16 and I was just 11. My parents make excuses for him; saying he was a ‘young’ sixteen, not much more than a child. That’s how he got away with it.

If I calculate what I’ve lost in earnings this year and spent on therapy, the bill comes to over £15,000. That’s not even starting to put a price on the pain and suffering myself and by extension, my wife have gone through. That makes me angry. Actually, it makes me livid. I could be displacing my anger from the general injustice of what happened, but thinking about what we’ve endured this year makes me absolutely furious. Perhaps I should send him an invoice…

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13 Comments Add yours

  1. estrella1982 says:

    I personally would love to go on a retreat. I hope you get whatever it is you need. Your words touched my heart today. My older brother also traumatized me. I was 10 or 11 and he was 14 or 15, but the molestation started years earlier and the rapes continued until I was 14.
    I forgave him a few years back and thought I was past it. I was in an extremely strong, happy, healthy point in my life and decided to go back to therapy to work on myself and my marriage. My counselor recognized the PTSD in me and I shared some stories which brought everything coming back. It’s not that I never thought of it or have flashbacks but my mind quickly distracted itself. When I was younger it was cutting then drugs that I used to cope. Now I’m sober and born again.
    I’m not sure why I felt lead to share this. I guess I wanna tell you that I understand what you went through and you aren’t alone. I don’t know if you even need to hear that, so sorry if I assumed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. I am so touched you shared this with me. And it does mean a great deal to know there are people out there who understand what it is like. I am so impressed that you are sober and you have found a better way to cope. I admire you and I do take real strength from your words of support x

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      1. estrella1982 says:

        These days, I don’t cut, but sometimes I wish I could. Sometimes, like lately since my “breakdown” of when my ptsd knocked me on my ass with a ton of bricks, I wish I could hide and run away from the nightmares and panic attacks and flashbacks that come from outta nowhere. But those paths led me down into back alleys and ditches and so I’m trying something different. I’m trying to embrace this, accept this is who I am and that’s ok. I really have thought I was crazy for the past 25 years, and I’m learning they are mostly due to my symptoms of PTSD. When I found your blog I felt like I found a part of me, a part I’ve been wanting to write, but haven’t found the words.
        It gives me hope and inspires me to want to write and share more of my soul in my own blog.
        Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. estrella1982 says:

    Anyways, I love reading your blog and I sometimes feel you are taking the words out of my mouth. And by the way, do what you need to do. Send his ass an Invoice if that’s what you need. From Ohio, US, hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the hugs. I’m sending some back over the ocean for you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. estrella1982 says:

        My blog is estrella.1982@wordpress nothing fancy, but I would love for you to follow if your interested.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. What a huge compliment for you to say, “When I found your blog I felt like I found a part of me, a part I’ve been wanting to write, but haven’t found the words.” Thank you so much. And please do share more of your soul. I would love to read about it. I’ll let you know how my retreat goes. Laura x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I was abused, I call it attacked, by four out of seven siblings. (I cannot use the word brothers) I am so sorry to hear of your struggles.
    Your photo is so crisp and perfect. Is it yours?

    Like

    1. I am sorry to hear you went through it too. But thank you for sharing, its good to know I’m not alone. Thanks for the compliment on the photo, yes it is mine. I’ve been taking lots on my dog walks, the autumn is so beautiful.

      Like

  4. Wow. Not a lot of people are as capable with a camera. I really loved it.

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