Therapy today: Abandonment

I know I am a needy client. I am completely aware of that. I feel as though if I didn’t have my therapist my world would fall apart. My sessions with her are a couple of moments in my week that keep me going. I arrange everything around them, so I can focus when I’m there and have time to recover at home afterwards.

I’m very much a creature of habit. It’s probably a bit neurotic, but I like routine. It makes me feel contained. So when one of the building blocks of that routine is removed I get anxious. I get scared I’m not going to cope. As I’ve not got my wonderful psychiatrist anymore, and I’m taking space from family, adding my therapist’s holiday right now is scary. I feel like I’ve got no resources.

I can’t help but feel abandoned. And I get this childish anger because it feels so unfair that she can take a holiday from my shit and I can’t. I’ve got to hold onto it all on my own for the next 12 days. And that doesn’t seem manageable. Today, just functioning to the point of getting out of bed and dressed wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t have my appointment with her.

So I’m wondering what next week will be like. Or even just the weekend, without the knowledge that when the week starts again I can see her. Time to myself always moves so slowly, I get so sick of waiting for each day to be over. And then the whole process just begins again in the morning.

I’ve tried to fill up the coming week with as much as possible. I’m going on a Buddhist retreat this weekend. I’ve arranged to see friends and taken on a lot of work that will mean I need to be in the office more than usual. I might even have a massage or some reflexology on one of my therapy days. I am trying to keep positive and keep busy. I’m trying to make sure I am occupied, distracted and worn out to the extent that the time goes by without me even noticing.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

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