This is just a quick post as I go to bed tonight. I’m full of anger and anxiety. Last night I was awake late because I started writing down all the words I can’t say. They flowed out of me, acidic like bile on the pages. I was horrified by what I wrote. I burned the paper but all the words were stuck in my head, so I wrote them all down again. Now they remain. Not like the ashes on the gravel. I am anticipating speaking them aloud tomorrow. With someone listening. For the first time ever I think I feel safe enough for them to be heard. I’ve kept them so close for so long, I almost feel sad to let them go.
I felt like the energy of what I had written was clinging to me tonight. It felt sticky and cloying. So I had a bath. I took my jewellery with me and washed it all. I felt as though I needed to purge the hideous words and everything they mean. I felt the need to cleanse.