Compelling choices

I’ve been blindsided by anger. It was sudden. It came up in therapy, although I can’t pinpoint exactly what evoked it. Somehow it just materialised and now it is all over me. I feel as though to spite me, my heart is deliberately pumping it around my body. It rushes up and crawls, prickly, all over…

‘Exploring each other’s bodies’

Those are the words our family doctor used to describe what my mum reported to her. My mum went to her for help because she’d just discovered her 16 year old son had been sexually abusing her 11 year old daughter. She and my dad asked me a lot of impossibly difficult questions before going…

Shards of my truth

I’m drinking these lines and their heavy meaning leaning on my desire to pause and hold my breath, because this is my story in forgotten, dusty fragments from the pens of those who didn’t know me How can it be mine? when stretching through time the design has dissipated the truth was desiccated and only dry shards…

Today I learned how good it can feel to cry

This morning I experienced a powerful and moving CoDA meeting. I cried, without shame, in front of a group of people. That has literally never happened to me before. Particularly with this specific sadness, a sadness I have never been able to openly and comfortably share with anybody. Working the CoDA (Codependents Anonymous – more…

A deeper sort of pain

I’ve been drinking today. I shouldn’t drink. It isn’t safe. And it doesn’t help. I’ve been to meetings and I know all of this, but still I wanted it. It was hard not to start this post with an apology. Partly for the drinking, but I’m guessing none of you will be too judgemental about…

I was waiting

I didn’t know it but I was waiting For so many lost years I was alone and waiting It took decades before finally I was surrounded by the love and acceptance that meant I could begin to breathe out and lay down and let go of it all The pretending the perfection the managing and…