Travelling to meet my new niece

I am sitting in the airport in Frankfurt reflecting on the last few days here. There were times when I found it tricky, but for the most part spending time with my sister and my little niece was pretty relaxed. It’s always challenging for me when I’m away from home. Less so when I have…

Therapy is cancelled. I’m writing instead.

I cancelled therapy today. I know that’s not productive and that the only way I’m going to feel better about my relationship with my therapist is to go and discuss it with her. But I don’t want to see her at the moment, I am feeling very hurt and the result is that I want…

Family: Old and new

At the moment, I’ve got one tiny new family member, and a very frail old one who are both very much on my mind. Neither of them is closely connected to the emotional difficulties I have with my family (least of all the new little one), so I find it easier to feel caring towards…

Well that made everything worse

After much deliberation, I decided not to cancel my session today, but instead to go and bring up the worries and frustrations I’m feeling about therapy at the moment. My instinct was to cut myself off from J and hibernate at home, but past experience has taught me that letting these things fester generally just…

I seem to be disillusioned with therapy

Yesterday I had a session with J that left me feeling confusingly angry with her and unable to sleep last night. I didn’t feel angry at the time I was with her, and I can’t figure out what it was she said or did that has prompted this reaction. Maybe it’s just some anger displaced…

I took a big dive

On Tuesday I decided that I was finally going to kill myself. I didn’t think about self-harm, or poisoning myself with an almost-fatal overdose as I have in the past. This time, I was resolved to really go through with it. It’s not like I haven’t made plans for this; suicidal fantasies, schemes and logistics…